‘I Should Have Gone To Bed Earlier’
- Laura Thompson | 18th November 2021 -
When people ask me what I do sometimes I cringe a little internally. Now, I love what I do and I feel passionately about it but people have different perceptions about what a sleep consultant is and does.
People without children probably don’t quite appreciate the need for infant sleep coaches, parents might feel there could be judgement or pressure.
I am not here to pass judgement on anybody and I am not here to offer unsolicited advice to parents I meet on the playground! I am here because I know the loneliness and overwhelm of struggling with your child’s sleep, I have been that mother.
So I created something which gives you an insight into me and my inner thoughts on a sleepless night from my past …
Video Transcript
11pm, I should have gone to bed earlier … I am going to regret this!
But by the time I got downstairs after putting you both to bed and cleared the kitchen up and got the bags ready for tomorrow and fed myself, I just wanted to stop and switch off … and watch trash TV and scroll my phone mindlessly for far too long!
Ok, there is nothing I can do now, tomorrow I will go to bed earlier. Now, try to sleep. The thing is since I became a mother I never quite sleep the same. I don’t think I ever slip into that really deep sleep, I don’t remember the last time I dreamt! I am always on high alert ready to be there for you or your brother. Even those rare occasions you sleep at Gran’s house, somehow I don’t manage that deep sleep, I still wake up and think that I can hear you.
2am… torn from sleep.
My body is up and by your side before my mind has a chance to catch up and figure out what is you need from me. I need you to stop crying, I hate to see you upset but I need to be quiet so you don’t wake your big brother up! I need you to go back to sleep because I know if you don’t get enough rest you will be miserable tomorrow and I’ll have to find in within me to parent you, over tired and grouchy when my tank is empty too. I’m so selfish! Mothers do this every night, they have been doing it for years … this is what I signed up for.
I feel your body relax into mine but my mind races …
‘Is she asleep enough’ ‘Why did she wake in the first place?’ ‘Is she ill?’ ‘Maybe it’s too cold’ ‘She probably didn’t nap enough today’.
Calm down! She’s going to pick up on your anxiety, babies do that – you’re going to wake her up again … this is your fault.
I sway absently. My back start to feel weak, I edge slowly to the chair and sit. Cuddle you close.
I should’ve put you in the cot … probably, but you might have woken up again … and your brother.
We sit … I try to use this time productively and make a to do list in my head. I’m sure I’ll remember it all in the morning.
The library books must be due back soon, my sisters birthday … must buy a card, arghh I didn’t get the mince out of the freezer, what shall I cook now? I must order the nursery photos, am I due my smear test yet? I should probably rotate your toys you haven’t played with that pull along dog in weeks, the laundry basket is over flowing, I’ll get on top of that tomorrow … yes.
Did I fall asleep!? This is so unsafe … what am I doing!?
Ok you must be asleep now … I hold my breath and stand slowly. Move you towards to cot avoiding the creaky floorboards, lower you down, you wriggle as I place my hand on you … I messed it up. No, you’re asleep. I creep out and back to bed.
5am, your big brother wakes up for the day.
