Managing Separation Anxiety and Sleep

- Laura Thompson | 8th November 2021 -

Separation anxiety, a parenting term you have probably become quite accustomed to hearing? One that is a thrown away in response to any challenges you may be having with your baby or toddler, because it’s normal and we’ve all been there! And it is normal and most parents probably have been there but that doesn’t make it any less emotionally and physically exhausting, right!?Separation anxiety, a parenting term you have probably become quite accustomed to hearing? One that is a thrown away in response to any challenges you may be having with your baby or toddler, because it’s normal and we’ve all been there! And it is normal and most parents probably have been there but that doesn’t make it any less emotionally and physically exhausting, right!?

What is separation anxiety?

A Velcro baby that just will NOT be put down or screams bloody murder when you leave the room, a spider monkey toddler who clings to your leg at playgroup or a child who has to be peeled away from you kicking and screaming at the school gate. Separation anxiety refers to the child having a strong emotional or behavioural reaction to being separated from their caregiver … and some children have a pretty strong reaction!

Much as these things are absolutely no fun for you or your child it does indicate that they have formed strong, healthy attachments to their parents and this is a good thing!

When does it happen?

Somewhere around 6-10 months you may start to see the first bout of separation anxiety starting. Separation anxiety can seem to appear out of nowhere, a baby who was quite content to be passed around other adults and occupy themselves on the floor with their toys for a while may suddenly appear afraid and clingy. This is the age that babies begin to understand the concept that they and you (their parent) are two separate people, up until this point they saw you as an extension of themselves.

There can also be a peak in separation anxiety at around the 18 month mark which coincides with the 18 month regression!

Separation anxiety can be challenging in many ways but particularly when it comes to sleep when you are both tired at the end of a long day  …

What can you do?

• Develop a good bedtime routine

  If you haven’t already, work to create a calming bedtime routine for your baby or toddler. This will offer them some predictability they can feel secure with whilst also offering some key moments to connect with you and fill their emotional tanks.

• Avoid Overtiredness

  An overtired child will be even more sensitive and emotional. Try to follow an age appropriate schedule bearing in mind wake windows and overall daytime sleep so that your child is not going to bed when they are already on the edge!

• Introduce an age appropriate comfort item

  For babies 12 months and over this can be a cuddly toy they sleep with every night and can provide them with that comfort. Try introducing this during wake times to help your child build an attachment to it!

  For younger babies the comfort item will be things within their bedtime routine that help to bring comfort for example their swaddle or sleep bag or the sound of the white noise machine.

• Try role play

  For older children try acting out the bedtime routine with them. Pretend to put them to bed and talk about what will happen then switch roles and have them put you to bed and say goodnight.

• Don’t sneak out!

  Sneaking out of the room will only damage your child’s trust in the bedtime routine so simply tell them what you will be doing. Either say goodnight and leave the room being sure they are aware this is happening or tell your child you will stay until they are asleep and do so.

• Offer extra reassurance (with some caution!)

  It’s OK and necessary to offer your child extra support and comfort during these phases but it can easily spiral into creating a new habit you do not want to continue with long term. Try not to introduce a big change in your response to the bedtime settling, make small changes first to see if they are enough to support your child through this. For example an extra cuddle or checking back in every few minutes. Whatever changes you make try to have a plan for how you will gradually move back away from this as your child’s anxiety eases.

• Manage your own anxiety

  Children are very sensitive to the people around them and will pick up on any anxiety we have around the situation. Try to enter bedtime with a positive and confident mind set.

If you are in the midst of dealing with separation anxiety and feel you would benefit from some additional support then

book a FREE CALL so we can talk about getting you started on a plan.