Handling Bedtime Fears
- Laura Thompson | 17th September 2021 -
As your toddler gets older so too their imagination goes into over drive and a child that once went off to sleep happily after you say goodnight turn out the lights and close the door may all of a sudden be having difficulties.
From around age 3 onwards children develop a vivid imagination, this is healthy development and of course we want to encourage our child’s imagination and creativity to blossom.
The issue can be that at bedtime children’s imaginations run wild and can start to cause some anxieties around bedtime.
Let’s talk about some of the things you may be hearing from your child.
‘I’m scared of the dark!’
Until your child is actually able to express a fear of the dark they genuinely probably are not afraid of it yet but if they do start to tell you that they are it’s fine to introduce a night light.
When choosing a night light choose something nice and simple that is not going to be a distraction (or source of more fears?) for your little one. My son has seen a very snazzy looking light that projects Spiderman on the ceiling … that’s fun, but not so conducive to sleep! So maybe keep that type of thing for play and not sleep.
The other important thing to consider is the colour of your night light. Red is by far the best colour to choose because it does not interfere with the production of the sleep hormone melatonin in the same way that a white or blue light will. So choose red and avoid blue or white!
There are some night lights where you can adjust the brightness of the light, when we first introduced our son’s light we had it on the brightest setting to begin with. That’s what he needed to allay his fears but it was pretty bright! So every night and dimmed the light just ever so slightly, he didn’t even notice and soon he was sleeping well with just a dim red light!
‘Please leave the door open!’
Closing the door after saying goodnight may have been just part of your bedtime routine but now suddenly they want the door open. What about the light coming through from the landing window and the noise from the TV travelling up the stairs!? Surely this is not ideal and is going to disturb their sleep?
Well, yes it may not be ideal so is there anything you can do to remedy those things in the short term while you work towards having that door closed again? For example pop a travel blackout blind on the landing window and a white noise machine at the top of the stairs to try and drown out those external noises whilst you go about your evening.
Meanwhile you can gradually help your child build up the confidence to having their door closed again. Let your child choose a cuddly toy to ‘guard the door’ and keep it open for you. Night after night you can have them close it just a little more until it is only ajar. Some children might enjoy it if you mark out on the floor with masking tape where the door will be open to each night.
‘There are monsters in my room!’
This is a classic, but it can so easily spiral out of control if we play into the idea that there may actually be monsters lurking under the bed. Checking for monsters or spraying the ‘monster spray’ you have seen on Pinterest is actually just reinforcing to your child that monsters are something we need to worry about. I am not suggesting that you disregard your child’s fears, they are very real to them. Acknowledge them, talk about them but reassure them that monsters are not real, they are only in stories and their room is a safe space.
If you want to try something along the monster spray theme why not make a ‘good dream’ spray together and talk about all the happy things they could dream about. Spray that as part of your bedtime routine to remind them of calming thoughts rather than thinking about the monsters!
‘Please stay with me! ‘
Hang on …. You’ve put yourself to sleep for years and now you want me to stay. I was kind of looking forward to my evening and I don’t want to start a ‘bad habit’.
I hear you! So let’s find a way to support your child through this is a way that is not going to send you spiralling down a route of spending an hour singing them to sleep every night.
There are two options you could go with;
The Check In
Tell your child ‘I’ll be back to check on you in just a second’ leave the room and return almost immediately to check on them. Do try and make the check as minimal as possible, if you can get away with popping your head in the door and saying ‘I’m checking on you, I’ll check on you again soon.’ Then great! Maybe you go all the way in and give them a kiss … find what works for you but try and keep in brief. For each check leave it just a little longer and keep going until they fall asleep. Yes, the first night or two they will probably hold out a while and wait for you to come back. It’s all part of the process and they need to build the trust that you really will come back and check on them. Soon you may just need to do one quick check as part of the routine.
The Gradual Retreat
Your child has asked you to stay so you may choose to do just that and stay with them. Decide where you are going to sit. Maybe they need you to sit right on the edge of the bed but perhaps you could actually sit by their bedroom door!?
Spend 2-3 nights sitting in your position before moving a little further away, eventually you should be able to sit outside your child’s room.
Be sure to set clear boundaries and expectations here, you are there to stay with them until they fall asleep … not for a chat! You can remind them of this and hold your boundary by saying ‘Mummy can only sit with you if you lay quietly with your eyes closed, if you keep talking Mummy will have to go.’ You can pre-empt your child’s need to tell you every thought in their brain by adding something to your bedtime routine. My son tells me 3 thing about his day before I say goodnight, decide how you are going to handle it but have a cut off!
Remember this is a normal phase that most children will go through and you can support your child through it, whilst also having a clear plan for how to get ‘back on track’.
If this has been going on a while and you think you might need some extra support to achieve your peaceful bedtimes then book a call and let’s chat about getting you started on a support plan!
